Lost and Found
by Sasha-038
Summary: Feelings can be lost just like people can. "Once upon a time I would've asked you to stay and I wouldn't have taken no for an answer." His answer is still no, but they talk a little more about it. Jenny/Jethro, Jibbs!


"Once upon a time I would've asked you to stay... and I wouldn't have taken no for an answer" She was on the edge of a cliff in her mind, and with his next answer she fell off.

"No." How he wanted to accept her offer, do her senselessly against the wall until they both were too exhausted to move. The willpower to say no was almost too much for him. To be honest, he was afraid. Sure he could offer himself physically to her but would he be willing to let her in, or would he be too scared believing she would walk away again? Until he was sure there was no way he could say yes, so though it killed him inside he had to decline.

"What happened Jethro?" She asked not having anything else to say.

"You made a choice." 'The wrong one' he thought bitterly to himself.

"I had to do what was best for me. I still do." In other words he was what was best for her. She needed him, she just didn't have the guts to admit it.

He gave her a tiny nod along with a smirk and left, leaving them both to ponder over that conversation. She knew he would decline her offer but for some reason it burned more than anything else in the world. She sighed. Possibly some bourbon would burn enough to make it possible to live with.

* * *

She sat in her office the next day completely exhausted. Carson hadn't kept her up all night, she had kept herself up, tossing and turning unable to get comfortable because she had admitted her feelings for him and he had told her off. She was hurt and sad, but most of all she was embarrassed.

She slouched down in her chair closing her eyes momentarily.

"Hey, Jen" he said entering her office. Her eyes opened abruptly. It was so like him to pretend nothing had happened. He dropped a cup of coffee off at her desk along with a bottle of pills. Sleeping pills.

"You're sending mixed signals." She smiled looking up at him between the coffee and pills. 'I don't need sleep' she thought. 'I need you.'

"Got you these to go to sleep." He said picking up the orange bottle and throwing it into the trash. "When you refused I figured you'd need coffee."

"That noticeable?" She asked grabbing the coffee and pulling the cup to her nose inhaling deeply, replenished by the scent.

He smirked. "Carson keep you up?"

"I'm sorry Jethro. For last night. I was way out of line." she said running her hand through her hair tilting her head back and exhaling deeply as if a huge weight had just been lifted off her shoulders.

"You didn't do anything wrong." He commented. He looked at her with concern in his eyes.

"You can quit acting naïve. I know what I said and what my intentions were. I crossed a line that I drew myself, and I want to apologize for it."

"Lines have a lot of curves." He said. 'Not the only thing' he thought to himself looking at the tight blouse and small pencil skirt she was wearing showing off her beautiful curves. She pretended not to notice.

"Not mine. I have a steady hand."

"Well according to what you said last night you-"

"I messed up, Jethro." She cut him off aggravated.

"I gotta know Jen. What do you really want for the rest of your life?"

"Well in Paris I guess I wanted-"

He cut her off. "Now, Jen. What do ya want now?"

"I don't know."

"Do you want me?"

"Yes." She stated dryly biting her lip afterwards. "But it doesn't matter."

"Why not?"

She shook her head grabbing the cup of coffee and taking a large amount in her mouth, choking it down. The taste was strong and bitter but she liked it because it reminded her of him. It was her last piece of him when she left.

"What do you have on the case? I'd like to send that boy back to his mother soon. I'm sure she's worried and he seemed pretty homesick."

He laughed. "You think I'm that easy to distract?"

"Jethro" she said standing up and walking to the door. "I don't want to talk about this, and if we are going to talk I would prefer to do it after we send Carson home."

"We?"

She bit her tongue, opening the door and tilting her head towards the opening. 'I just said we.' She thought to herself. 'Why the hell did I have to say we?'

He got the hint and walked out the door pausing to look at her one more time before he was gone completely. Now, he really did need to get this kid home because he and her really needed to talk.

"Good job with Carson. I got a courtesy call from Brian Taylor and the Navy. Told me that they never guessed those agents were dirty. It's pretty... thought worthy.. that bad agents can go unnoticed by their co-workers. Makes you wonder how many terrorists and fugitives go unnoticed here." She could tell by the look he was giving her he didn't care, but she had to continue her constant talking to avoid THAT topic. "Maybe I should have every agent do a polygraph. Well, that would be a total waste of time because if they were a terrorist they could easily get passed a-"

"Jen, you're rambling." He said with a small smile just as a light pink blush covered her cheeks.

"I do that when I'm tired."

"Yeah I know" His smile grew slightly when he saw her blush darken and her bottom lip slip between her teeth.

"Doesn't matter?" He asked when the silence between them became uncomfortable.

"Do we really have to talk about this now? I'm tired and I'm sure you're equally exhausted. Maybe tomorrow because I have to-"

"Rambling again. Its unlike you to ignore your feelings."

"What exactly are you getting at, Speci... er.. Jethro?"

"You need to talk to me. If you don't, you're never gonna sleep right again. I think that's bad for the agency to have a director that falls asleep in MTAC meetings. Or stakeouts" he said remembering the time she fell asleep on one of their biggest cases.

"Well that was because you kept me up all night" she defended a small smirk on her lips as well.

"So... you have feelings... for me?"

"Well I always have had a thing for guys with blue eyes. Not to mention the hair is... pretty sexy. And the-"

"Feelings?"

"Aren't you interested in my physical feelings?"

She was teasing him which was out of character for her but she felt it necessary to avoid the topic that always hurt her most. Talking to anyone about her emotions was an extremely hard task for her. So if avoiding that meant teasing him sexually than so be it.

"No." He answered deadpanned and she looked down at the ground in defeat.

"You can sit there and dodge my questions. I'm not leaving until I get answers. Straight answers."

"Yes. I have feelings for you. What else do you want to know?"

"Why you waited so long to tell me."

"It took me this long to figure it out. Seeing you with Carson. It made me realize that I was never going to have children. Guess I can only blame myself for that. Next question."

"How do you feel now?"

"A lot like a murderer who just got put in the chair."

"Scared?"

"Trying to make it right before its too late."

She tried to focus on the news appearing on the screen in front of her, but they both knew work would have to wait. His rough hand moved over her small one, squeezing gently. Her eyes fell upon their intertwined hands and then looked up at him.

"Jenny, I'm willing to try again." He whispered when their eyes met. She could feel her heart melting inside of her, praying this wasn't a dream.

"Then why didn't you stay?"

"I need to know that you wanna try again." He explained to the best of his ability but the look of confusion stayed sprawled out on her face.

"What's it gonna take?" She asked.

"Promise you won't leave."

"Jethro, you know I can't do that. What if it just... doesn't work?"

"Don't leave without taking to me first. Willingly talking to me. Open to my ideas. Give yourself to me, Jen. Emotionally first."

"Well how do I prove I'm giving myself to you emotionally?"

"Tell me something you never told anyone else. Something personal."

There was a short silence as she thought about what she would tell him. She thought back to the years when they weren't together. There had to be something she could tell him. There was.

"I was pregnant once." She whispered. He looked up at her with surprise.

"I was so desperate. It was four years after we were over. I just went to the bar, hooked up with this guy. The sex was...horrible but I guess it was enough to get me pregnant."

"You ever tell the father?"

"Yeah. He wanted nothing to do with it. I just accepted it."

"Got an abortion?" He asked.

"No. Sex was consensual when the baby was conceived so he or she was my responsibility. Do you remember when I told you Ziva saved my life in Cairo?" She asked running a finger over the upper side of his hand, drawling an imaginary pattern there.

"Mmhmm" he answered.

"We were dehydrated and starved. She barely managed to get out alive. But then she realized I had fainted a way back. Mossad training is to leave behind the weak. She risked her life to save me, Jethro. The baby... starved to death. Came out.. with my next period."

There was a silence that overtook the room, as he looked deep into her eyes.

"Your turn." She said at last when the silence became too much for her to bear.

"You already know everything, Jen."

"Can't know everything..."

"I love you."

She rolled her eyes. "Guess that'll do for now. What do I need to do to prove myself to you physically?"

A mischievous smile spread his lips.

**A/N: Based off of our little moment (Personally one of my favorite yet heart crushing Jibbs moments) in Lost and Found. Hope you found this enjoyable! **

**- Sasha**


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